Taffy Apples
Hollywood is a wacky town, no doubt, but on All Hallows Eve the place is nuttier than Kim Basinger with out her medication! Maybe it’s a full moon, but the whack-factor is in full force today … this morning I went to the Safeway in Beverly Hills to pick up some Chase and Sanborn (it’s Hank’s favorite coffee, what can I say?) and while in the check-out line I witnessed Whitney Houston being escorted out of the store by security guards (poor thing was going bat-shit-bonkers cursing out the store staff for not having Strawberry Quick mix) … meanwhile, in the parking lot, Bobby Brown got in to a shoving match with one of the guards and soon the LAPD was there whisking America’s sweethearts to the county jail … When I got out of the store and back to my car, I found my driver, Ramon, on his cell phone, I don’t speak Spanish very well but it sounded like he was saying, “Colin, usted me dio cangrejos!” Not sure what that meant but I doubt it was an invitation to the Día de los Muertos celebration … a few miles from the store, I saw Kristie Alley in dark glasses and a fright wig ducking in to the McDonald’s on Hollywood Blvd, I wonder if Jenny Craig knows about this … saw Bruce Willis chasing Ashton Kutcher into the woods off Mulholland with a tire iron … swung by the studio and dropped off the Julia Robert’s script, on the way back to the car I was accosted by Seann William Scott who begged me to help him get a role in Clooney’s next film, told him to take some acting lessons or, if he was feeling brave, he could stop by The Sheldrake Room tonight and ask in person…
Finally home, sat down to a fab breakfast of French toast that Guadalupe had whipped up … scanned Diana’s column in Variety… read that Joan Rivers was having her seventy seventh face lift and that her plastic surgeon is going to start using some of the skin from her knees for this procedure … Hank finally joined us and went for the L.A. Times crossword puzzle, told me that he was still a bit hung over from Dunaway’s party last night … Guadalupe said that Mo Rocca’s lawyer called again, she told them that he had the wrong number (memo to self, triple that girl’s Xmas bonus!)…after breakfast, Hank and I swam a few laps in the pool and then retreated to the hot tub… Hank took a phone call from the director of his latest film, he is going to have to head back to Montreal tomorrow for a couple of re-takes …
Spent the rest of the day blogging, returning phone calls and reviewing the script that Tom Hank’s wanted me to read … saw that Guadalupe had made taffy apples for the trick or treaters (asked her to save one for me) and paid her time and half if she’d stay and answer the door … Hank and I dressed in black tie and tails for the the private party at The Sheldrake room, as is the Halloween tradition at the private Hollywood men’s club …
Got there at eight and found that Matthew Perry was sauced, told him that I was going to call his sponsor, again, he reminded me that I was his AA sponsor… cursed my foul luck and made the bartender brew a pot of strong joe with the instructions to pour it down Perry’s gullet until he could walk a straight line … was shocked and delighted to find that Russ Crowe was here (I guess Danielle is still out of town), we played a quick hand of Dead Eye and I lost twenty bucks to the lucky bastard … Hank shot pool with Goran Visnjic … smoked some weed with Kevin Bacon and then joined him and Alec Baldwin and Denis Leary for a couple hands of Texas Hold ‘Em, won my twenty back with interest … there were bowls of candy corn everywhere, and after smoking that righteous weed it tasted as good as Beluga Caviar … at midnight, we all repaired to the playroom and found Clooney, Crowe and Jeremy Piven were already auditioning Seann William Scott … that kid is going to go places in this town.
Left around two a.m. and got home at around quarter of three … Hank went to bed and I raided the fridge , could not wait to taste one of those taffy apples.
Minute Danish Open Sandwiches
Hank and I just got back from Faye Dunaway’s annual Halloween ball … what a night! First off, Mr. Man, ever the playful devil, told me he was going as Claude from Along Came Polly; he nearly gave Guadalupe a stroke when he came down into the living room in a wig and Speedos … though I confess I loved the ensemble, saner voices prevailed and soon he was encased in his Spamalot drag, we
both were, and we made our way to Casa Dunaway for the night’s festivities.
Faye looked incredible in her Joan Crawford/Mommie Dearest drag; “Dex! Hank!” she said nursing a gin ricky as she greeted us in the front hall of her mansion, “Into the ballroom, boys, everyone is here!”… she was right, it was somewhat overwhelming the amount of guests at the party… bumped in to Carrie Fisher who was dressed up as the Unsinkable Molly Brown, she kept singing, “You Can’t Get A Man with A Gun“… even more delightful was Carrie’s mom, Debbie Reynolds who was done up as Princess Laya from Star Wars … Deb, ever the bigger than life star, kept belting out show tunes in between belts of martinis … found myself chatting up Salma Hayek who looked hotter than six miles of road in Death Valley as a nun in short-shorts and come-fuck-me-pumps, my god but that girl had every straight man and lesbian at the soiree panting like wolves in heat … 
caught site of George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg coming out of the bathroom together, (Clooney was dressed as Cary Grant and Wahlberg was Dirk Diggler) both checking their zippers and adjusting their shirts … I’m just saying is all … Hank and I took turns dancing with Catherine Zeta Jones (resplendent in Laura Bush drag) and then made our way to the bar where I had a ginger ale and Mr. Man indulged in a zombie … caught site of Tori Spelling dressed up as Little Bo Peep, she was obviously very drunk and was chain smoking, what a pity … Matt Damon (as one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz) bummed a cigarette from me … saw Doris Roberts (as Doris Roberts) passed out behind the bar … danced the Monster Mash with Matthew Perry who was done up like a hockey player; had to keep taking drinks that were being passed to him by Penelope Cruz who was dressed up as Katie Holmes…
Decided to catch my breath on the patio and felt a hand slap me on the back and heard the familiar voice of Eric Stillman who cried out, “Baxter,
you old so and so!” Turned to greet my old pal did a double take as he was done up as Jason Voorhees complete with a machete. “Stillman, you card!” I said shaking his hand, “Is this a swell party or what?” Stillman nodded and offered me a bottle of bubbly … had to remind him that I was on the wagon, so he pulled a joint from his pocket and we ambled over to the bushes and indulged the weed knowing full well if Dunaway caught us, she’d go ballistic…
…as if on cue, we heard Faye’s voice booming through the night, “Who invited this tramp to my hooommeeeee!!!!”
“Guess she found out that Paris Hilton was here, ” Stillman said inhaling and handing me the jay; I suggested that he keep his mask down and his face covered for the rest of the night. He gave me a puzzled look and so I said, “Spelling’s here, fellow!”
“Damn the luck!” he proclaimed readjusting the rotted hockey mask into place, “Cover me Dex, I’m going back in!”
Seeing that the coast was clear we made our way back to the ballroom and Stillman found his way over to three guys dressed as Bluebeard (OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Robert Blake) … Dunaway came up behind me and put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Darling, you look so cute in your medieval garb. Are these the actual Broadway outfits?” Before I could answer her she sucked down her Harvey Walbanger and put her cigarette out on a fairy princess’s crown (turns out it was little Dakota Fanning)… the moppet screamed and Dunaway pushed her aside and sauntered back in to the ocean of revelers … found Hank hanging with Clooney, Perrry and Wahlberg discussing the private party Monday night that was going to be held at The Sheldrake Room … a major buzz through out the room when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie showed up as Groucho Marx and Margret Dumont word was they could only stay for a few minutes as they were due at Elton John’s party in Malibu … Topher Grace was really into character when he came dressed as Iggy Pop, even going so far as to smear peanut butter all over his chest and lip sync, “Lust for Life“, Clooney leaned over and whispered to me, “Got any jelly, I’d like to make a sandwich” … Just then a very inebriated Tori Spelling came my way and said, “Where the fuck is Stillman? I am going to kill him when I find him!” I told her that he was one of the three Bluebeard guys, a few minutes later she was removed from the party by security guards for smashing Robert Blake over the head with her Bo Peep staff … Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (they both look great BTW) were dressed as George and Martha Washington, Hanks and I knew each other years ago when I did some extra work on his old sit-com, Bosom Buddies, he’s a great guy, and when he pulled me aside he asked if I’d take a look at the new script that Brian De Palma gave him, told him it was as good as done … Angela Basset who came as Diana Ross asked for a dance, and we boogied to Joy Division’s “Love will Tear Us Apart“…
Exhausted I crashed on the sofa next to Zach Braff who was dressed as Ray Romano (or maybe it was it was Romano dressed as Braff, who can tell the difference) … watched as Dunaway cursed out one of the caterers and put a cigarette out on his head … tried some awesome Minute Danish Open Sandwiches; to die for!
Found Stillman with Joan Cusack (who looked fab as Harriet Miers) and he excused himself for a second and pulled me aside and said, “You are aces, old man! Thanks for taking care of that problem for me.”
“Anytime”, I said as Hank pulled me towards the front door to say our good nights…
…as we were leaving, Debbie Reynolds was on top of the baby grand piano in the hallway singing “I’m Still Here” … said our goodbyes to Dunaway, who was now so drunk she thought we were studio executives so she promised us both blow jobs if we OK’d her new sit-com…
…outside we made our way to the car and I caught site of one of the Olsen Twins, dressed up as Lindsay Lohan, throwing up into a potted palm…
Dorade aux Pistaches
Before we begin, time to answer some fan mail:
Rosie from Encino writes,
Dear Dex,
It’s your life. do you have to pinch yourself sometimes?
Rosie,
I got little red marks up and down my arm, babe!
Call me, we’ll do lunch!
DB
Maid Ink of North Hollywood had this to say,
Dear Dex,
Is Doris going back to rehab any time soon? She might be able to get a discount rate if she shares a suite with Courtney Love.
Darling Maidy,
Don’t know if Doris is going back in – last I heard even Betty Ford won’t have her. Courtney told me she’d never a share a room with DB because DB stole all her cigarettes and broke her iPod the last time!
You’re beautiful sweetheart, don’t change for me!
DB
Henrietta Hudson from Thousand Oaks claims,
Dear Dex,
I always knew Kirk’s whole Christianity thing was bullshit! oh, and if it’s not too much to ask, next time you high five Matt Dillon, could you be a dear and slip him my number? kisses!
Sweet Henny,
You must be an insider! Kirk’s been playing that holy roller trip ever since he bombed in “The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes”; word has it that his “Way of the Master” church is a front for Colombian drug trafficking … As for Matt; it’s as good as done!
Kisses right back at ya!
DB
And finally, Joey B. of Silverlake asks,
Dear Dex,
What is the deal with Johnny Depp only doing Tim Burton Films? Iheard a rumor that he lost a poker bet during a game with Latoya Jackson, Tim Robins, and Martha and the Donald, on the set of Edward Scissor Hands, when they made an improv trip to Vegas. Is there any connection?
Big Joey,
I have heard the same rumor. I have talked to all the parties involved and you know what they say “What happens in Vegas…” but I’ve got it on good authority that Latoya tried to welsh on her end of the deal, which would explain her stellar career! I’ll see Tim Robbins this weekend and try and pump him for answers again.
Love to Mary Jo, bro!
DB
Got an invitation to Faye Dunaway’s annual Halloween Costume Party to be held Saturday night at her place. Should be an A-list happening… called Hank and told him, he said he’ll be back in time and we should RSVP … discussed costumes and will probably use the suits of armour he still has from Spamalot … Mo Rocca’s lawyer called me, Guadalupe took the call and told them I was out of town since Sunday (memo to self, double that girl’s Xmas bonus this year) …
Had dinner with Diana Luxembourg last night, she was all a twitter over the happening’s in Lafayette and all charged over the DVD commentary for Memory Sweet Memory, said the powers-that-be are still trying to find Jan Michael Vincent to see if he’d be interested in doing some commentary; we discussed Jan and what a hot piece he was before the booze took it’s toll; giggled amongst ourselves over the 3-way we had with him at that little hotel in Burbank back in 79 … Diana’s maid, Escovela made an incredible Dorade aux Pistaches (snapper with pistachios) it was fab, and we enjoyed our meal in her garden.This afternoon, I locked myself in my office and went to work on the Julia Roberts script. Tore out about fifty pages of bothersome dialogue, replaced it with top forty soundtrack tunes and montages, added three explosions, a car accident and a couple of scenes of Will Smith in the shower … took a call from Queen Latifah, she still wants to know if I’ll be the head writer on her new sit-com, did not give her answer but told her I’d sleep on it …
Turkey Pastrami
Sitting in my kitchen this morning, reading the dailies while sipping a cafe mocha latte, and was shocked to read that a Houston newspaper has outed, Anderson Cooper as well as Shepard Smith! Who knew? Next thing they’ll be claiming that Jodie Foster and Sean Hayes and John Travolta are gay… Read in Variety that Piven’s hosting of the American Cinematheque Award for Al Pacino went well … took a phone call from Colin Farrell’s agent who wanted to know where he was, had Guadalupe go wake him up and told her to delouse the sheets in the guest bedroom for safe measure while he was in the shower … took another call from Hank who says that the filming in Montreal is going well, weather is fine and his co-star in this still untitled epic, Kevin Spacey is a real piece of work; constantly taking long walks in the local parks at night and losing his cell phone (nothing new there) … went through the mail and found a check from Spielberg for the work I did on Neely! as well as a hand-written thank you note… Got a call from the suits at Paramount and wanted to know if I could do some work on the latest Julia Robert’s script, told them I’d stop by later and pick it up and give it a look see …
Went out for a jog … saw Mo Rocca walking to the mailbox, had to stop myself from just going up to him and punching him one in the face (the guy just works my nerves – plain and simple) … saw Faye Dunaway screaming at a crew of landscapers as they arranged a few hundred hand carved jack-o-lanterns on her lawn; watched her put a cigarette out on the head of one of the lawn crew … passed Matt Dillon who was running in the opposite direction, high-fived each other and thought back to that night in ’94 … passed Valerie Bertinelli (who looks great BTW) high-fived each other and thought back to that night in ’84 … came around the corner and almost tripped over Doris Roberts who was passed out on the sidewalk, jumped over her and continued … came back to my street and bumped into Mo Rocca; stopped dead in my tracks and punched him in the face; felt bad and went to help him up, but had a change of heart, kicked him in the ass, lept over him with sadistic glee and continued home…
Crashed out in the media room and flicked on the television … Guadalupe’s son, Ramon came in and told me he had spent the night with Colin in the guest bedroom, told him to grab that bottle of Kwell in the bathroom and pray for the best … watched The Dukes of Hazard on TNN while sipping an Evian and called Paramount back, told them I’d be over for the Robert’s script in a few hours…
While driving to the studio I saw Kirk Cameron coming out of an Adult Book store on Hollywood Blvd; beeped and waved and watched him duck his head … saw Jenny McCarthy on the lot at Paramount, air-kissed, told her she looked hot … picked up the script and sat in the commissary and flipped through it; a real piece of shit, it’s going to make a gazillion. Saw that the leading man was going to be Will Smith … will have to write in a scene where we see his butt unclothed … stopped off at Factors Famous Deli and had a turkey pastrami … Called Diana to make plans for dinner tonight…
Chicken Fajita Burrito
A shout out to Eric Stillman for winning a Taurus Award for the stunt work he did in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton as Josh Duhamel’s body double during the wood cutting / axe scene! Three Cheers for Eric!
Hank left for Montreal this morning to do some work on that new project for MGM he’ll be there for the rest of the week … Linda Blair called when I got home from LAX to tell me that she is pretty sure that she can stop the distribution of “Disco Nation“, she said that, unbeknownst to anyone at the time, she was a silent producer of the film (that is she put up some of her own money to fund this debacle) and unless she agrees (or someone buys her out) she has to sign off for the release. Relieved to hear this I asked her how she was doing and she told me that she has two new films she is working on and everything else is going great guns . Linda’s a great gal … after that bit of good news, Matthew Perry called and asked if I wanted to go to the Sheldrake Room tonight, told him that I thought that was a good idea and would get back to him … faxed the forty some pages of revisions I did on “Neely! ” to Spielberg who called me back less than an hour later telling me that he loved the nude lesbian love scene I’d written in for the Jennifer character (told me that he was kind of reticent at first, he’d even dropped a lesbian love scene from “The Color Purple” he reminded me)… after the call, Guadalupe asked me I wanted her cousin Ramon to come over to clean the pool on Sunday – I told her that that was a go and handed over a couple hundred to pay her cousin … read that Shelly Winters had a heart-attack and was saddened to hear that, she looked great when I saw her last week at Diana Luxemburg’s party … Played Tennis with Mario Lopez who asked if I was going to The Sheldrake Room tonight, I told him I was and then hit one over his head which he missed, then we took a quick dip at the pool at the Beverly Hills Racquet Club … Stopped over at Pinks for lunch and had a Chicken Fajita Burrito and saw Drew Barrymore, my god what that girl can do with a foot-long hot dog is nothing short of amazing … Bumped into Courtney Love on my way back to the car (she looks great, BTW) and we talked about Ricky Martin’s “Comeback”, told me that she had fucked him that time in South Beach … Got back home around five and sacked out for a few hours, got up around seven, found Matt in the kitchen making a grilled cheese sandwhich, told him to shower and get ready to go out with me … washed and dressed and left with Matt at nine and headed down Sunset Blvd … saw Ray Romano (or maybe it was Zach Braff, I can never tell those two guys apart) coming out of the 7/11.
Arrived at The Sheldrake Room around nine thirty and found Colin Farrell dancing on the bar to “Native New Yorker“ watched as Jude Law tired to stuff dollar bills down his pants … played poker with Billy Bob Thorton and Peter Sarsgaard … later on I shot darts with John Leguizamo and we discussed his stint on E.R.; it’s obscene the amount of money he’s getting for that! Had to keep taking drinks away from Matt, told him I would call his sponsor at AA if he did not stop, reminded me that I WAS his sponsor, gave him a quaalude and told him to mellow out or I was taking him home … Danced with Collin Farrell and (who was pretty much the life of the party last night) and joined the others in the play room where I found out the secret to Vin Diesel’s success in Hollywood.
When we were leaving, we saw that Farrell’s car would not start, he hoped a ride home with Matt and I … stopped to pick up some Kwell , dropped Matt off at the pool house and brought Farrell inside with me…
Vegemite Sandwich
Got a call this morning from Jamie Lee Curtis, she was breathlessly telling me that Sony bought the rights for “The Night The Lights Went Down on Broadway” and was re-releasing it in all of the major markets this Winter, and will then do a DVD special edition of the tear-jerker I made with her mom, the late great, Janet Leigh! Needless to say I was thrilled over this development, I made The Night… early in my career and got some great reviews, and of course, it was an honor to star with Janet as her doomed lover in this May / December romance piece. Curtis asked if I’d appear at a screening of the film at The Mann on December 16th for the official re-release… I told her that I was in and she said Sony’s people would call my people and fax over the contracts … was also told that I would do the commentary along with the director, Alan Smithee … Told Hank the news and then called Diana Luxembourg who is still in Lafayette because of the Horowitz’s case; she said she was thrilled with my news and said she’d be home by next week … 
Got to thinking about Janet Leigh and what a beautiful broad she was … you have to understand, I was pretty green when I made this film, but Leigh really helped me out and it was through her professionalism that I managed to turn in a decent performance … also recalled that the press had a field day when Janet and I took off to Paris a month after filming for a little fling, they were calling me her “boy toy”, I was just thrilled that such a great star had decided to take me under her wing, she was a real class act, they don’t make them like that anymore!
With the sweet comes the bitter … Steve Gutenberg called a few hours later, to tell me that Kate Jackson is adamant about “Disco Nation“, she will not sign on with the rest of the cast to prevent the DVD release, Gutenberg said, “Christ, she’s so desperate for attention she’s thinking about going on a tour to promote the release!” We brainstormed and decided to leave it up to the lawyers. Meanwhile Scott Baio is trying to buy up all existing copies of the film and destroy them … her really does not one anyone to see that jockstrap dance number he and Gutenberg and I do in that one scene.
Hank asked me to look over some new 8×10’s he had done recently, I told him that he looked great in them, and he does … later on I locked myself in my office and sat down with “Neely!” to see what I could do with this mess of a script. Like I said, it’s a musical version of “Valley of the Dolls” that Spielberg is going to direct, and it is rife with misfires, though the big number that the Helen Lawson character does, “Broadway Doesn’t Go for Booze and Dope” is going to bring the house down … I wrote in a few new scenes and cut two musical numbers and added a couple of nude scenes, but still this one is going to be a real stinker … it’ll probably be a make a trillion at the box office.
Hank was feeling frisky so the rest of the afternoon was spent in bed …
Russell Crowe called and invited us to the place he is renting out in Malibu. Danielle is out of town and he wanted some company, so we packed in to Hank’s BMW Z 4 Roadster and headed out … saw Will Smith and Jada Pinkett coming out of Spago, those crazy kids are so cute together, and they both have such tight butts … got to Crowe’s house and were treated to a tasty Vegemite sandwich spread and Foster’s beer … since I don’t drink, I settled for a diet Coke. Russ was his usual gracious self and after we traded war stories, we jumped into his pool for a skinny dip … Russ is such a pussycat in real life …. later on we discussed Ricky Martin’s “comeback” and Russ said that he had heard that Tom Cruise had fucked Martin in South Beach that time , we pondered that as we shared some fine Mexican weed and enjoyed a couple bowls of Capn’ Crunch with Crunch Berries … Hank said, “Russ, that can’t be true, everyone knows that Cruise is straight!” We laughed and smoked some more weed while the full moon shone over the City of Angels…
Dim Sum and Mango Pudding
Lots to discuss…but first: time to answer some fan mail:
A reader from someplace called Rowhouseland (I think that might be somewhere outside of Encino) writes,
Dear Dex:
Jerry O’Connell looks so familiar to me, but he just seemed to pop up with the advent of the beefcake photos/ the Rebecca Romijn thing. where is he from?” —
Dear Rowhouseland Lady,
Jerry got his start in the film, “Stand By Me“, he played the fat kid. I think he did some TV work and then went away for awhile, got hooked on amphetamines, lost a ton of weight and did some films and that TV series, “Sliders“. In a just world, he’d be doing gay-porn, but this being Hollywood, he’s a star!
Joey Badafuco of Jersey writes and asks,
Yo Dex,
Heard a rumor that Eric Stillman will be playing a Mormon ski instructor named Wes, who is strangled by a lift operator in a low budget indie coming up at the end of fall called The Real Salt Lake City: Unscripted. Is dat true?
Dear Joey,
Provided he sleeps with the producer, the producer’s wife and the director, it’s a done deal!
Last night, Hank and I went to the unveiling of a star on the Walk of Fame for Antonio Banderas… yes, it goes without saying that Antonio and I go way back. I met him when he first got here sixteen years ago, and it was due to my instance that he get his first big break in films … of course, Madonna hated the fact that while Antonio wanted nothing to do with her, he slept with me in a heart-beat( poor thing really made a fool of her self in that scene from Truth or Dare); of course, I knew our relationship would be complicated, so I pushed him in the direction of Melanie Griffith (heck, I did not even know he was married at the time)…and the rest is history…anyway, Antonio looked great, Mel looked fab and Tippie Hedren was there also (she looks great, BTW) … Demi Moore was there, but she could not find Ashton, later on Hank told me he saw Ashton in an alley off Gower Street propositioning a street hustler… Beyonce was in the crowd, it was really sad, her weave was not in tight enough so she was wearing a dreadful headscarf and kept swatting at tourists who were trying to take her photo … later on Hank and I joined Antonio and Mel for dinner at Mr. Chows where we dined on dim sum and mango pudding.
After that we drove over to Jeremy Piven’s place in Bel Air where he was having a private fete in celebration of his success on “Entourage” as well as the announcement that he’d be hosting the Al Pacino thingy for the American Cinematheque Award … as always, John Cusack was right at JP’s side; those two are inseparable … later on we found Ashton passed out naked by the pool, somebody had taken a Magic Marker and wrote, “Cheap Date” on his left buttock…Cusak came out to the pool with a video camera and shot the still life and said he was going to send it to “Punk’d“… on our way out we saw Lindsey Lohan in Piven’s driveway throwing-up into a potted palm…
Buffalo Burgers
Got a call from my old buddy, Eric Stillman, the renowned stuntman/body double, this morning … we decided to grab lunch at Formosa on Santa Monica Blvd to catch up on, and re-hash old times.
I’d met Eric on the set of Scream 2 a few years back when he was playing Jerry O’Connell’s stunt double. Eric , in my humble opinion, did some of his best work in this film and after that he pretty much wrote his own ticket as Tinseltown’s premiere stuntman.
Got to the Formosa Cafe at noon and was happy to see that Stillman was still full of piss and vinegar … this was the same old Eric I’ve known for years. Some of you may remember him as the guy who broke up the Tori Spelling / Charlie Shanian marriage…papa Aaron, it seems, was none too happy with his little princess’s choice for husband so he offered Eric two million plus a six picture deal with Lifetime Movies if he could be the wedge between his toothy offspring and the low-rent-Lothario she was shacking up with… Eric spent little time busting the fairytale couple up; however when he went to collect, Aaron reneged on his offer…hello National Enquirer … you’ll be reading all about this in a few months.
We dished Jerry O’Connell over buffalo burgers and curly fries; Eric said that the former fat child star, is so happy with his new body he’s doing beefcake photos … he also told me that he’s been dealing to some big players of late … claims that the LAPD knows it was O’Connell who has been supplying Doris Roberts with ecstasy.
As we sipped iced teas, I asked Eric what films he has been working on, “Just finished the new Merchant Ivory production, I play a dead nobleman, oh and I am up to play Jason in the next Friday the 13th – Friday Fever, and did you see me as corpse number six in that episode of Six Feet Under?” he said, his chest swelling with pride.
“Wow, man, you have been busy“, I said searching for a toothpick, “How’s your love life?”
I should have left well enough alone, you see Eric has been very unlucky in love; He said, “Well between that bad affair with Anne Heche and that nasty break up with Portia de Rossi – I guess I have been previewing all of Ellen DeGeneres’s girl friends…I have to stop dating lesbians, man.”
Over a couple of slices of chocolate cheese cake, we discussed Ricky Martin’s “comeback”. Eric asked me, “Say Dex, is it true what I heard about Ricky Martin in South Beach that time…” before I could say anything he went on, “Geez, am I the only one who hasn’t fucked him?”
We both thought long and hard about that one, but could not answer it.
After lunch was over, Eric gave me a ride in his newly refurbished Isotta-Fraschini we crusied La Brea to Sunset and watched as Paris Hilton was mistaken for a hooker in front of the Travelodge, we waved as Hollywood Vice threw her into a paddy-wagon … saw John Travolta and Tom Cruise coming out of the YMCA … almost ran over Joan Rivers who was botoxed to within an inch of her life and looked like a zombie in Channel as she crossed Hollywood Blvd…
Eric dropped me back off at my car around three, I got home around four and went through the mail … opened up a script sent to me by Steven Spielberg, it’s called Neely! ; a musical version of Valley of the Dolls … checked my emails … wrote my fake blog … told Guadalupe to make something light for dinner tonight, called Hank in Burbank and then settled in on the sofa with the Spielberg script to see what I could do with it…
Cold Paella Salad
Celebrate! The Fog was the number one film this weekend! Once again, yours truly was handed a script a year ago (guess which one) and asked to do some fine tuning – dumbed it down to the nth degree and voila! Box office gold!
Diana called this morning about the murder of Daniel Horowitz’s wife. Horowitz represented Diana in six of her seventeen divorce proceedings so she said that she was flying out to Lafayette tomorrow to help in any way possible…that’s Ms. Luxemburg, ever the caring friend.
Hank left early this morning to go to Burbank to shoot some scenes for an independent film he’s working on … played tennis with Matthew Perry this morning who told me that he saw Doris Roberts passed out in front of The House of Blues on Sunset last night, he said the LAPD had to pick her up and drive her away … over a couple of Virgin Mary’s I told Matt about the trip to the Sheldrake Room on Saturday, told him everyone was asking for him. He said that he was sorry he did not make it, but he and Topher Grace went to The Abbey; he swore he did not drink, but said that young Mr. Grace downed enough gin and vodka to win the Neely O’Hara award, none the less the boys had a great time according to Matt and they checked in to the Holiday Inn on Figueroa to “sleep off” the night’s festivities… drove over to Paramount and dropped off the Jim Carey script with all the new revisions… saw Madonna in front of Splendora on Melrose screaming at her daughter and son; no faux British accents, just plain old mid-west trash talk; she’s fastly becoming Joan Crawford … Dana Owens called me on my cell (that’s Queen Latifah to you), said she loved the tweaking on her sit-com pilot offered me a gig as head writer, told her I’d consider this option …
Saw Kurt and Goldie (they both look great, BTW) at Albertsons on Figueroa, we bumped in to each other at the cold cuts case and discussed Ricky Martin’s “comeback”. Kurt pulled me aside and said that he had heard that I had fucked Ricky that time in South Beach, and I said, “No Kurt, that was you!”
Hooked up with Matt later on and we had an early dinner at Spago and over a couple of cold paella salads we discussed his audition the other day at Disney , he also told me that a ton of residual checks from that old sit-com of his just came in, so that was good … Hank called me on my cell and said he was home, I picked up a take out of Chinese duck with plum sauce and chinois pancakes to bring back to Mr. Man… on my way to my car, I saw Mel Gibson and a group of Opus Dei members holding a protest march in front of Denny’s on Sunset Blvd.
Carrot Cake
Sonia Braga and Christina Applegate were over Saturday morning for brunch . Guadalupe threw together a wonderful meal that was topped off with a carrot cake that was beyond sinful … Sonia and I have known each other since ’81 when I did a small role in her film, Eu Te Amo . Though I knew little Spanish, I managed to shuck my way through the interview and the director liked me so I got the part of “Madrid Gigolo # 3” – it was a paycheck, plus I got friendly with Sonia, and we’ve been friends ever since…Christina and I met when I did some script work on “Don’t Tell Mom, The Baby sitter’s Dead“, what a sweetheart that one…Hank was his usual self entertaining the ladies with his tales of Hollywood hi jinx and since both he and Appelgate have both recently done Broadway, they both dished about the recent crop of left coasters treading the Great White Way.
After our meal, we repaired to the garden where we took coffee and discussed Ricky Martin’s “comeback”. Sonia said that she had heard that Hank had fucked Ricky in South Beach one time, Christina said she had heard that it was Sonia who had fucked him, I said I heard it was Christina…we laughed and decided that we’d better call Carrie Fisher and settle this once and for all…Later on Christina said that she’d been talking to Scott Baio and that he was furious over the upcoming release of “Disco Nation” on DVD. She asked what the problem was, I asked if she’d ever seen the film, Sonia interjected that she HAD seen the film and sort of enjoyed it; she especially liked the scene where Scott, Steve Guttenburg and I do that dance number in the locker room dressed in nothing but tube socks and jock straps… discussed Tom and Katie and all agreed that it had to be a turkey baster conception.
The ladies left around six and Hank and I got ready for the private party Clooney was hosting at the Sheldrake Room…got there around nine and saw that Brad Pitt, Jeremy Piven, Ben Stiller, Harrison Ford, Robert Forster (who looks great, btw), Michael Keaton, Shemar Moore, Jamie Foxx and Peter Krause were all there. Played Texas Hold ‘Em with Pitt, Clooney and Forster and smoked some great Mexican with Foxx and Krause. Went into the play room later and discovered exactly why it is that Ben Stiller has such a lucrative career in Hollywood.
Got home around two and Hank crashed out. I grabbed a piece of left over carrot cake, went to my computer, blogged about my fictional life and then went to bed at around three thirty…
Dex Baxter\'s Hollywood Life 
